Free Grace Women

My Journey with Physical and Mental Health

The Struggles

For everyone in the world, 2020 was a struggle. There was not one person that wasn’t affected by the COVID-19 pandemic, including myself. But it wasn’t the virus that got me. My journey has been marred by many health issues that have tested my physical and spiritual strength. In mid-2020, I began to notice I was having panic attacks before work every day. This brought me back to the same experiences I had in 2010, before I even knew what panic attacks were. They became so bad, that my boss sat me down and walked me through the process of getting some help.

I wasn’t ready for all that came with that appointment.

I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder, non-hyperactive ADHD, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, etc. I suddenly found myself in a small pharmacy of medication. Though the struggle with my mental health was a long journey, that we now know started when I was young, I finally got the help I needed. Until I began having severe back pain, which led to a back surgery that failed to provide any relief. Then, by the amazing grace of the Lord, I was able to receive a spinal cord stimulator which eased my pain immensely. However, my left leg was still hurting, which turned out to be a re-herniated disc. This required yet another surgery in August of 2024. I just turned 34 today, October 17, 2024, and I have had a laundry list of procedures, including the four on my back alone. I felt like I lived at the hospital. When I came home after my last surgery, I felt great after the first few days. Until a pain like I had never experienced before hit me head-on. I began to question,

“Why me?”

All these issues began draining me, and continue to make daily activity feel like a mountain to climb. I often felt isolated and overwhelmed because no one was able to understand what I was going through. Then I found out I had COVID during my recovery time, just to top it all off. But one day, I woke up and noticed I wasn’t hurting at all. I went from 10/10 pain to hardly any pain overnight, and I knew nothing but God could heal me that fast. 

Finding Faith

Amid these challenges, I turned to Jesus. I’ve always known He is the ultimate healer, but there were moments when my faith faltered. It’s easy to trust in God when things are going well, but when faced with adversity, doubt can creep in. Satan had latched hold of my spirit and made me question if these struggles were God’s way of saying I wasn’t worthy of love and grace.

Yet it was in those moments of doubt that I found comfort in scripture.

One verse that resonated deeply with me was Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (NKJV) 

This verse became a lifeline, reminding me that I wasn’t alone in my battles. 

The Power of Grace

Grace teaches us that no matter what we do, God’s grace is a free gift—regardless of our shortcomings or circumstances. This reminder lifted a heavy burden off my shoulders, and I learned that I could come to the Lord as I am, broken and weary, and still be embraced by His love. 

The Power of Prayer

Prayer became my safe space to express my fears and frustrations. And I prayed constantly. In those quiet moments when I struggled the most, I felt God’s presence reminding me that it’s okay to feel weak. I learned to accept that my prayers didn’t have to be perfect; just being able to talk to God made me feel so much better. 

Lessons Learned

It’s okay not to have everything figured out and it’s okay to lean on others, even when it’s hard to do. Each struggle has drawn me closer in my faith.

As James 1:2-4 reminds us, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.” (ESV) 

Embracing this has allowed me to accept that my journey doesn’t have to be a walk in the park to be meaningful. 

Moving Forward and Closing Thoughts

Today, I continue to navigate my health challenges with faith as the forefront. Writing this blog has made me stop to really think about my struggles and how I could have leaned on the Lord way more than I did. I want to keep that in mind at all times, even when the physical pain is so bad I can’t handle it. Trusting Jesus isn’t about having unwavering faith, it’s about continually seeking Him, even when the road is tough. 

Life will always have challenges, but with God, I can face them head-on. My journey is far from over, but I am grateful for the lessons I’ve learned and the strength I’ve gained along the way. I can overcome anything that life throws at me with faith in Christ Jesus. You are worthy of his love, no matter what path you are on. As I have surgery again in November, I will remember this verse:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him, and he shall direct your paths.” – Proverbs 3:5-6 (ESV)